143.

There are truly events in life that are defining moments. Bringing you closure in one chapter, only to allow room for an opening of another. I sat in bed for a while, just letting everything absorb in my brain, letting thoughts process, thinking about my past, present, and future.

When you realize everything you’ve ever wanted is staring at you straight in the face, waiting for you to heartaccept it and fulfill a life for which you’ve always dreamed; and in that moment you realize it’s there for the taking, you feel an internal urge to push it all away, to deny your feelings and re-think everything you’ve ever done in your life, all of your choices, your lost connections, memories from the past that lead you to question your entire life, or thoughts of what your future would look like.

It led me to one of these “holy-shit” urges to push everything away.

And it’s taking me a long… long ass time to comprehend this, but you really cannot plan your life and expect every detail to turn out as such. It’s impossible! And when things don’t necessarily go the way you were expecting/hoping/planning, it doesn’t mean they are worse outcomes. Just different. That urge, I’m finally realizing, that split-second urge, is just fear.

This is utterly cheesy but that’s really all it is. Fear that our lives are moving forward, that we’re going to get either what we’ve always wanted, or something that’s great but not necessarily what we intended. You just have to take a deep breath, maybe one or two more, and let everything sink in and tell yourself: stop being a damn baby and be happy life is moving forward!

Because that’s all life does, it moves forward.

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