When life is at a standstill it usually has a domino effect. The irony, however, is that while life has been the same day to day so much has changed. I’ve allowed myself to step back and take some time to understand it all.
I told myself that this year was going to be my year of greed. The year I did things for me. I told myself I wouldn’t care who I hurt and what drastic things I had to do as long as it ensured my happiness. I was worn out of putting other people first and pushing my own self back. I slowly became this human that I swore I would never become. There was no satisfaction coming from the life I was living.
With coming face to face with myself I started to focus on just that, me. I was given the opportunity to move out of the city I settled for. I ended my quest to find ‘love’. And I told my mother she had to deal with her life, on her own, without me in tow. I realized that it was for the best. My friends and family have been so supportive and loving and being busy has kept me from going stagnant.
I’ve started writing again and spending more time with my cameras and it’s been so strange but also really fun to relearn an art that I’d forgotten. I never thought I would ever get to that point again and that I’d be able to feel good again. This whole experience has taught me that I’m a whole hell of a lot tougher than I ever imagined. That I shouldn’t underestimate my ability to carry and do things on my own. It’s so empowering to be independent and not have to depend on anyone. It’s okay to let things go and totally change course in life when things no longer feel true.
It took a while to carry actions, but listening to that inner voice those feelings that consumed me was one of the best worst things I did. I’m happy that as time passes I’m healing and I’m slowly finding myself once again.